The Top 10 Toxic “Truths” Heard in Dysfunctional Families
By Fern Schumer Chapman – Brothers, Sisters, Strangers
Published September 4 2024 – Reviewed by Davia Sills
Why “Family Commandments” Can Be Dangerous
Certain sayings circulate in families with the same authority we give to religious edicts. Over time they become so familiar that we stop questioning them, even when they excuse abuse, silence victims, or force unhealthy sacrifice. These “commandments” often masquerade as encouragement, yet they can gas‑light, guilt‑trip, and uphold toxic dynamics.
Below are ten of the most common mantras, why they’re misleading, and what to consider when you hear them.
1. “Blood is thicker than water.”
What it sounds like: Family loyalty outweighs any other bond.
The reality: The original biblical proverb reads, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” It tells us that chosen relationships—friendships, partnerships, mentorships—can be stronger than those imposed by birth. When used to silence boundaries, the phrase flips its meaning, demanding blind allegiance to biological ties even when they’re harmful.
2. “You only have one brother/sister.” / “You need to let it go.”
What it sounds like: Because the sibling relationship is rare, you must endure the pain.
The reality: Uniqueness does not equal acceptability. Pressuring someone to stay in an abusive or neglectful relationship denies the possibility of growth through honest dialogue—or the right to walk away entirely.
3. “You’re too sensitive.” / “That never happened.”
What it sounds like: The victim is overreacting or misremembering.
The reality: These are classic gaslighting tactics. They invalidate genuine feelings and rewrite history, making it harder for the injured party to trust their own perception.
4. “Be the bigger person.”
What it sounds like: Take the high road, forgive, and move forward.
The reality: When directed at the more pliable family member, this line shields the aggressor and places the burden of reconciliation on the victim. It can legitimize abusive behavior by suggesting the harmed party must “rise above” without any acknowledgment of wrongdoing.
5. “Family is everything” / “You can’t choose your family.”
What it sounds like: Blood ties are immutable and paramount.
The reality: Family can be a source of love, but it’s not a universal guarantee of safety or happiness. Voluntary kin—friends, mentors, chosen communities—often provide the support and belonging that biological relatives fail to deliver.
“Voluntary kin can serve as excellent sources of support and fill the roles we associate with family,” notes Dr. Kristina Scharp, associate professor of communication at Rutgers University. “Biology or law alone does not ensure a satisfying sibling relationship.”
6. “There are two sides to every story.”
What it sounds like: Fairness demands hearing both perspectives.
The reality: In the context of abuse, this maxim often erases the victim’s experience, forcing everyone to walk on eggshells while the aggressor remains unaccountable.
7. “That’s not what she meant; you know how she is.” / “It isn’t a big deal.”
What it sounds like: Intent matters more than impact.
The reality: Such excuses let the most dysfunctional family member dictate the group’s emotional climate, fostering enmeshment and stripping the victim of agency.
8. “Can’t you take a joke?”
What it sounds like: The offender claims humor, shifting blame onto the offended.
The reality: This line deflects responsibility and labels the victim as lacking a sense of humor, effectively silencing legitimate grievances.
9. “We just need to get past this.”
What it sounds like: The future will be better if we move on now.
The reality: This is a form of future‑faking: promising a brighter tomorrow that never materializes, much like a bar’s sign advertising “free beer tomorrow.” It manipulates present compliance by dangling an unattainable reward.
10. “If the roles were reversed, I’d do the same for you.”
What it sounds like: Empathy through imagined reciprocity.
The reality: The claim is unverifiable; it creates a false equivalence that burdens the victim with guilt for not meeting an imagined standard.
How to Respond When You Hear These Mantras
- Pause and Reflect – Ask yourself, What is the speaker really trying to achieve?
- Validate Your Experience – Remember that feeling hurt or upset is legitimate, regardless of the mantra attached to it.
- Set Boundaries – Clearly articulate what you will and won’t accept.
- Seek External Support – A therapist, trusted friend, or voluntary kin can provide perspective and safety.
These phrases have been polished by repetition until they seem timeless. Recognizing their true intent is the first step toward breaking the cycle of dysfunction.
About the Author
Fern Schumer Chapman is the author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and The Sibling Estrangement Journal. She offers private coaching for individuals navigating sibling estrangement and writes regularly for Psychology Today.
Connect with Fern: Facebook • X (formerly Twitter) • LinkedIn • Instagram
If you’re struggling with family dynamics, consider taking the Family Estrangement Test – Adult Child or finding a qualified family therapist near you.
